Deep currents running in the rivers of your eyes

The Netherlands

Jeangu Macrooy

Birth Of A New Age

On Line, on digital and on 88 to 91 FM, here we are then in permanently middle of the road Netherlands - a country so dull that the closest they'd come to entertainment in a decade was when they entered Howard Stableford off of Tomorrow's World, former MP Bill Rammell and television's MacGyver in silver space suits, dancing like someone's embarrassing dad at a wedding to literally the worst piece of music ever entered into any song competition ever. Click here if you don't believe me.

At the centre of the rifts where everything explodes

Switzerland

Gjon's Tears

Tout l'Univers

I have an entirely unjustified soft spot for the Swiss, which I think is derived from hundreds of summer mornings spent watching badly dubbed episodes of Heidi from behind the sofa. That Goat Peter. What an asshole!

It's unjustified because they are so rubbish at Eurovision that they make us look like the Swedes. We've seen it all. Vampires, golden showers, terrible English ("sweem against the stroom" indeed), four generations of the Salvation Army, ena stupendo and an ena stupendously annoying twiddly dee folk song performed by a smug pillock in a waistcoat. Cuckoo clocks the lot of them.

Painting all the scars in the colours of change

Sweden

Tusse

Voices

The other week, in the middle of a wild, exhilarating weekend of bullying a 16-year-old girl, Toby Young got proper excited when he discovered that climate change activist Greta Thunberg's mum had done Eurovision, calling her "privileged".

That's right folks. A noted eugenicist whose dad got him into Cambridge is arguing that the revelation that a teenager's mum came 22nd in Eurovision in 2009 really means that "climate change" is an elaborate ponzi scheme designed to keep the privileged likes of Rylan Clarke in work. Just wait til he finds out who Emily “Queen of the Jungle” Atack's mother is.

What difference does it make if the world collapses today

Spain 

Blas Cantó

Voy A Quedarme

Ugh. Where are we now? Spain? Oh, I'd almost forgotten about Spain - until I woke from a nap, picturing a couple of hundred bright pink English skinheads throwing garden furniture into a hotel swimming pool whilst "Thomson" the dog moonwalks to "Chocolate" by Soul Control, resulting in a group of under fives dancing enthusiastically to lyrics like to "All The Girls Want Candy Candy, All The Boys Get Randy Randy" whilst their parents mutter on about halting freedom of movement, something they will also be denied tomorrow when the campylobacter drenched ham they've just wolfed down takes its revenge.

Learn to count your blessings down

Slovenia

Ana Soklič

Amen

I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for the Slovenians, if for no other reason than because whilst we thought we were being all "ironic" with that Scooch abomination, they'd done it better in 2002. Would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?

Not being with me is your flaw

Serbia
Hurricane

Loco Loco

And so to Serbia, previous home of the turbofolk lego man, that man with big hair singing about his shoes, and best of all, the subversive romany lesbian that swept to victory in 2007 and caused the Belgrade mayor to have to retrain his entire police to be more "tolerant". 

Eastern Europe stealing our points? Same sex relationships? Gypsies? Daily Mail island almost relaunched the Balkan conflict overnight.

Cause she know to do my body like hot coals

San Marino

Senhit

Adrenalina

Bless. The entire population of San Marino - Eurovision's smallest participant - could fit inside Ahoy Rotterdam, and still leave room for the stroopwafel stalls. 

They first entered back in 2008 in Serbia with a man that looked suspiciously like 80's illusionist David Copperfield - but it came last with 5 points in the Tuesday night semi. Apparently I was there, but I suspect on listening to it back that at the time I was trying to find a drink, the toilet or my will to live.

You're strong enough to bounce against the wall

Russia

Manizha

Russian Woman

We all have a hobby. Some of us like painting, or dancing, or archery. Some of us are into flashmobbing, or the Wombles. Some of us follow the Hothouse Flowers around on tour. Some people like taking off their shirt and banging their head. All of these people are, of course, massive losers, and to be honest they all need to get a life.

I, on the other hand, am quite different. I live life to the full, with conviction and purpose. You see, when I'm not tending to my collection of MP3s of Eurovision entries over the years, or my extensive collection of sung local radio jingles through the ages, I document, collect and catalogue video clips of Eurovision interval acts- ready to hand down to the next generation of Dickinsons.

They keep preaching words like I should know

Romania

ROXEN

Amnesia

Why do they do this? Team Romania describe ROXEN as “a labyrinth of an artist, with a dreamy sound and mesmerising voice that creates an entirely new universe with every release”- and TVR’s press release argues that it’s “hard to disagree given the breadth of material the Cluj-Napoca chanteuse has released in recent times”.

“With a dreamy vibe and a cosmic look, Roxen thinks that music is a sort of therapy for her, but also for her fans”, it says. “Her songs possess the magical power of healing and bringing harmony. Her music is universal, just like love. Roxen is also passionate about other artistic fields: painting, acting, writing and dance. Roxen finds relaxation in meditating and travelling. Roxen would like her music to travel beyond the planet Earth in the Universe.”

Sold my body on a dirty cold floor

Portugal

The Black Mamba

Love Is On My Side

There are two sorts of Eurovision entry from Portugal. There's the jaunty sort - like this - that you might hear in a pool bar in Albufeira while you're hurling down locally produced spirits as some nineteen year old looks after your children on three days training all of which they were late for. And then there's entries like this. Pure, uncut dreary Portuguese shit.

It says here that the group “Black Mamba” feel most at home playing live gigs and concerts, and have enjoyed playing on some of the most iconic festival stages there are. At the Festival Marés Vivas in Porto, The Black Mamba shared the main stage with Lenny Kravitz, John Legend, Jamie Cullum and The Script.

Hold on real tight make it alright

Poland

RAFAŁ 

The Ride

The Swish Family Dickinson went on a beach holiday at Easter to Poland the other year, and it was glorious.

I don’t mean the weather - it pissed it down all week and was bitterly bloody cold - but while downing cans of Polish lager I discovered an extraordinary strain of Polish schlager, called “Disco Polo”.

I’m fighting all of my demons tryna tear me apart

Norway
TIX

Fallen Angel

Scandipop. That's what I like. Fun, bouncy, carefully crafted caffeiney disco-pop songs that pick you up when you're having a bad day. Like Abba or Agnes or even the A*Teens. And do you know what I also don't mind from a place like Norway? Three minutes of miserable nordic noir, like this. That’s fine too.

There is something both glorious and utterly miserable about spending January and February watching Eurovision finals from around Europe. It's glorious because you end up with a Spotify playlist of about 250 new scandi hits and Moldovan shits to get you into work in the morning. But it's also miserable, because utterly amazing songs end up being rejected by boring, play-it-safe televoters from their host countries.

My walls are down and my heart in your hand

North Macedonia

Vasil

Here I Stand

The country formerly known as the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia but now known as North Macedonia barely ever makes it past the semi finals, and even then they tend not to deserve it - I mean look at this balkan trouser-suit ballad that I managed to miss in its entirety as I took a carefully timed three minute wizz (air). As if!

Compared to you no one has anything to brag about

Moldova

Natalia Gordienko

SUGAR

And so to Moldova, a tiny, landlocked republic wedged between Romania to its west and Ukraine to its north that, fact fans, is officially the least visited country in Europe. I can’t imagine why.

Mind you - imagine if they won it and it was in Chisinau! You'd be rattling along on the train from Romania on your way to the CHISINAU CIRCUS: THE PREMIER EVENTS HALL IN ALL OF MOLDOVA wolfing down some kind of pork dish in a restaurant car that looks like your grandma’s front room (a window framed by heavy purple fluted curtains, silk flowers, a faint smell of cigarettes and orange formica tables) when the conductor comes and chats.

Listen and go right ahead show you’re shining bright

Malta 

Destiny

Je Me Casse

Ah Malta. Lovely lovely Malta. They love the Eurovision in Malta, and they love us. Every year without fail they give us 10 or 12 points, even when we enter rubbish like this. 

In return we give them nul points and then send them thousands of gurning, thuggish holidaymakers to urinate against their beach bars and harass their daughters every summer.

I feel it’s safe to dance alone

Lithuania

The Roop

Discoteque

I was at this thing on Zoom the other day in a breakout room and one of those people that knows me from another thing was talking about something important to them, and slowly their grip on my attention started to loosen and my mind drifted away from the conscious reality of sitting there listening to them as my brain gently rose like a pretty hot air balloon ascending the heavens and gliding across a landscape of idle thoughts, while back on Earth my face was beaming onto their QHD+ screen in eye watering, razor sharp lifelike detail saying "mmm" and "ooh" and "really?" and occasionally arching its eyebrows like an actor in an advert who’s been asked to wordlessly indicate that his cough lozenges work.

If you got something to say, say it to my face

Latvia 

Samanta Tīna

The Moon Is Rising

The thing is, I'm not, by all accounts, a very easy person to talk to. The socially awkward chit chat I do do tends to be so laced with sneery, off putting West Midlands sarcasm that most people avoid me at all costs unless they (and I) are drunk - so for those that do attempt conversation, my Eurovision obsession at least offers SOMETHING to hang the opening gambit on. "Where is Eurovision this year", they try, "Who's our entry this year", or "Are you going this year" are all standards, followed closely by "What's your favourite ever entry?"

Well I just don't know really- there's these bewitching Maltese eyes from 2004, this Macedonian masterpiece from 2000 that sounds like your annoying little sister has formed a girl group in your kitchen or perhaps the Swiss entry from 2004 when the lead singer was so excited that he smacked himself in the face with his mic.

If you find the sense of time you will rise from your oblivion

Italy

Måneskin

Zitti E Buoni

I always quite liked the Italian entries when I was a kid. Not as much as ronenj53, of course. "She is so sensual, the way she walks, the lovely way she presents the song" he says about 1985's classic, "and the combination between them is great- they give us the impression that the song was born, for both of them". 

Yep, it's that heartwarming story of a beautiful romance between a 56 year old provincial bank manager and a 22 year old counter assistant. Magic oh magic indeed.

Feeling like in prison

Israel

Eden Alene

Set Me Free

All of these cool commentators banging on about Russian troll farms and Trump and the Canary with all the coherence of a 1200 word media studies essay in the first year of an undergraduate degree think that propaganda, fake news and information wars are new. Well I’ve got news for you, sunshine.

Back in 1978, for example, Jordanian broadcaster JRTV decided to replace the performance of the Israeli entry with pictures of daffodils. Then, three quarters of the way through the voting when it was clear that they were cruising towards a win with their classic "Ah! Barnaby!" JRTV yanked the broadcast, cut to the news, and falsely announced that the winner was... Belgium!

All the signs, all of the mistakes

Ireland
Lesley Roy

Maps

"I was born in a distant 1980. The year of the Irish Johnny Logan war"

Ah yes. Take one or two authentic Irish folk/soul singers, add some lyrics about the countryside and shamrocks, and stir in an arrangement that sounds like a tourist video for the country shown in the breaks on CNNi. Add in a bit of stepdancing, to be sure. For well over 200 years, the powers that be at RTE in Dublin entered exactly the same song - and every year it won. I almost bought a house in Ireland to save on airfares.