Lifestyles of the sick and dangerous

Finland

Blind Channel 

Dark Side

Any birthdays coming up? Wondering what to get for that special loved one in your life? Need an "ironic" present for that Brexiteer uncle knobhead of yours? EUROS TO LITERALLY BURN?

Well as luck would have it, this year in the Eurovision tat shop as well as the obligatory beanie hats, T Shirts, mugs and mouse mats (mouse mats?) you can "CREATE YOUR OWN SONG CONTEST" by buying Eurovision: The Board Game, which manages to combine two different ways of having people you don't like in your living room into one for the bargain price of €50. What a steal!

Thought I had a cloud over my head

Estonia

Uku Suviste

The Lucky One

My favourite Estonian entry was their 2003 time travel smash "Eighties Coming Back" by Ruffus. Watch that video and suddenly you're there - not in the 80's, but in your living room in 2003 knocking back liquorsave gin and own brand frazzles with people round that you've since blocked on twitter. In this version you can even hear Wogan sounding a bit pissed blithering on about accordions and incorrectly predicting that "Baltic block voting" would work in Estonia's favour. The daft racist - it came 21st.

There was a time when the Estonians would enter "five girls in the playground pretending to be the Spice Girls" dross like this, but these days Estonia have an upsetting selection process that every year takes a ton of interesting and unusual indie stuff and slowly knocks out all the quirks until you're left with something pointlessly bland and generic. Back in 2013 for example they could have sent unpleasant multicoloured unitard punk band "Winny Pugh", but instead opted for this toilet break ballad that can't even be bothered to deliver the key change it barely builds up for. What an absolute bunch of clowns.